Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Blog Rating Notice

Ladies and Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that a terrible thing has happened to this blog.

This blog has slipped in its ratings.

Yes, dear readers, this blog has slipped to a PG-13 rating.

That simply will. not. do.

So, in light of this (and the obvious fact that I haven't discussed poop within recent memory, nor have I ever mentioned condoms), I give you the following three "post-ettes" in an attempt to raise this blog to its former glorious R rating:

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Cat Poop
Our cats are notoriously finicky creatures. If the litter boxes have not been scooped for, say, thirty minutes, they start clearing their throats and glaring at us prior to entering.

Now Daniel will continue to enter the litter boxes even up until they're scooped (twice daily -- it's frequent with three cats). Granted, he gives a long-suffering glare at whatever two-legged creature happens to be nearby, but he goes in the box, attempts to cover what he's done -- and at 12-15 pounds he isn't that successful despite the size of the box -- emerges, and proceeds to ignore his servants for at least fifteen minutes.

Patrick displays his disgust only when he's sick to his little gastro-intestinal tract, which leads him to doing such interesting things as going to the human bathroom to poo on the floor beside the human commode.

Now if only we could teach that boy to get on the commode, we might have something worth pursuing.

Emily, though? When her Precious Princess Poopy Palace is not scooped to her satisfaction?

Carpet.

Preferably in one of the kids' rooms.

Because she likes to hear them squeal.

Preschool Poop
Upon returning from dinner at my parents' house one night, I was apparently not moving quickly enough toward the front door.

My utter slackitude resulted in the following monologue from my younger son, who was waiting for me with his big brother at the door while I lugged in several tons of groceries:

"Oh GWEAT!

I dust poopded in my undoopayunts.!

I ated too much and it dust pushded it wight aout!"

(yes, he really does talk like this, and we have to fight the urge to mimic him... hee)

He had likely tried to pass gas (one of his hobbies) and got an unexpected result. I told him it was okay, it was an accident, etc. He got into the bathroom and got cleaned up. All was well.

Until I made this post, that is. Me blogging about this is yet another one of those things which will doubtless be revisited in my now-four-year-old's future therapy sessions.

Condoms
I know this comes as a shock to most of you, but my husband and I occasionally like to indulge in a bit of maritally sanctioned intimacy, also known as nuptial nookie.

Well, to accomplish this without changing our 1:1 kid-to-adult ratio, we use condoms (long story... short of sterilization or an IUD, both of which I'm considering -- the former for him, the latter for me -- it's all we've got).

Since I get to do most of the shopping, I'm usually responsible for procurement.

Unfortunately, I do most of my shopping with the kids, which leads to some hasty choices at times, especially if I wish to avoid the eight-year-old trumpeting, "What's a condom, Mama?"

So yeah, good times.

Anyway, the last time Himself and I decided we'd be killing off a few more rubber trees, he asked me, "Do we have any?"

"Sure honey, on the bookshelf by your side of the bed."

He looked, picked up the packets, and raised one eyebrow at me.

"Spiral ribbed or mint tingle????"

I shrugged.

"That's what happens when your wife buys the Party Pack."
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Must post and re-check the ratings... a moment, if you will...



Ah yes. Much better. We're BA-ACK!

12 comments:

Awesome Mom said...

The patch gives me major hot flashes and I can't remember to take the pill, so we are in the same boat. I buy our condoms online at drugstore.com. It comes in a discreet box right to your mail box. No need for awkward looks or questions.

Amanda said...

I haven't tried the patch, but my experience with hormonal methods of birth control has taught me that any method I attempt turns me into a raving bitch.

I'm hormonal enough already. Like I need assistance?

So yeah, we're into condoms. I'll have to check out drugstore.com. It would be rather nice not to risk folks staring at me as I attempt to make a selection.

That said, you canNOT beat my husband's face as he said "mint tingle???"

Heh.

Mauigirl said...

Congratulations on regaining your R rating with poop and condom stories!

Mmm, mint tingle. Sounds interesting...

tz said...

hubby got fixed and it's been quite handy...although i do miss the 'cleaner' quality of condoms...is that TMI, probably but it may help you stay at that r rating ;-)

Angel said...

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

My blog is SO tame. I think it's PG. And only because I said "ass".

But then again, I keep it tame because my grandma and aunt read it LOL.

Amanda said...

Hee... thanks, Maui! Yes, yes, sadly enough the R rating actually does mean something to me. Pitiful, really, LOL

TZ, please accept my heartfelt appreciation for your contribution to my continued R rating on this blog! And perhaps it was TMI, but the entire post was an example of same, so I'm really not worried ;)

Angel, I checked to see the reason my blog deserved an R. It was due to use of ass, death, and kill. That ratings system has zero sense of context, obviously.

As for who reads this blog... oh dear, bless them all. My mother reads it, my sister occasionally checks in, my younger son's preschool teacher reads it and giggles herself silly, and my elder son's second and third grade teachers have links!

Of course, I haven't heard what they think... eeek!

Scott said...

Amanda,

That is quite hilarious, especially about your lovin' rituals.

Sorry if I don't comment for a few years. That would be because of
1. I am going to the Star Trek convention, and
2. I might shoot my computer in the face (monitor) with a really big gun, because it has been glitching out and causing me terrible trouble!

Anyway, glad you re-naughtified your blog!

Amanda said...

Scott,

1 - have fun! Get autographs. Scan them. Post them. I shall bask in the reflected geeky Trekkieness.

2 - sorry to hear about your computer. Mine's got an attitude at the moment as well (or it might be Blogger). Also, my monitor of the card-thingie is fried, which makes everything icky as far as resolution is concerned.

Anyway, enjoy!

Amanda said...

of the card = or the card

Becuz I kan spel gud.

Philip. said...

What a great idea it is to give a blog poop ratings :-)

A Mom Who Thinks Too Much said...

I'm only PG. I would be "G," apparently, except that somewhere in my blog I used the words "death" and "slap." How funny is that?

I even use the word "X-Rated" in one of my post titles, and what does that get me? Nothin'.

PG.

Perhaps if I use the words "ribbed" and "mint" ...

;-)

Amanda said...

Philip, well, that's what it seems this particular blog ratings system deals in! I swear, you can do anything to anyone else with this particular rating, but say "kill" or "poop" and you're evil.

Under those circumstances? I'm good with evil.

And Mom Who Thinks Too Much..

Heya, girl! Glad to see you around :)

No, no, you must concentrate on the scatological references. Get a hamster. Get four. That should do it. If all else fails, mention condoms in some form or fashion.

Heh.