It's actually possible that you can't unless you're Heidi or MBA, because the truth of the matter is I work for some sick, twisted people.
On the tongue of the (formerly pretty cute) stuffed chameleon, there is a tiny, dead, baby frog. Glued, in case you're interested. And carefully balanced on the head of the (now exponentially more icky) stuffed chameleon, you can see the mummified remains of an adult lizard which had the courtesy to die in more of a standing pose, thus rendering it of great interest to the weirdos who sign my paychecks.
1. I'm actually a platinum blonde.
No, no I'm not. I'm closer to blonde now than I've ever been, thanks to the miracles of modern chemistry and the fact that blonde highlights help my grey roots blend better, but my natural haircolor without the grey is a very dark reddish brown. It was quite nice once.
2. My children clean the house daily before school.
Hah!!! I know, no one guessed this -- totally a gimme.
3. I haven't washed a single dish since I married Choreboy.
Untrue as well. Heidi is right that we do have a deal that involves dishes, but when he's not home I generally wash what I dirty -- he admits it here.
4. My bosses leave offerings of small, dead animals on my desk.
Sadly this is very very true. See above, in case you involuntarily suppressed the horror that is my 9-5 life.
5. I have 45 pairs of shoes.
Nope -- I have probably 10 pair, actually, and mostly wear one of 3 pairs of Birkenstocks. I'm notoriously klutzy, and need a wide, firm, flat foundation under my feet. Cute shoes would be nice, though... sigh.
6. I have worn the same pair of jeans off and on for twenty years.
Jenn, you were so kind to guess this one! And due to my usual habit of hanging on to stuff for years, ignoring the fact that it went out of style decades ago it could have been true in a few months... except I lost almost everything in a housefire back in 1998. I salvaged a few items and there were still belongings of mine left at my parents' house, but most of what I own has been accumulated in the past 12 years.
7. My children are complete saints.
Yeah, another gimme here. They're amazing, wonderful, darling children (when they're not being twerps), but they are not saints. I'm not either, so the genes are holding strong on that.
Ahhh... it feels good to get that off my chest. Sorry to those who might have been eating lunch...
April 25th, 2017 Once Again
1 hour ago