Saturday, October 27, 2012

National Domestic Violence Awareness Month

 October is, very quietly it seems, Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  In case that's passed you by I figured I'd mention it, especially in light of this:

Brookfield Spa Shooting

The above link goes to a blog that a friend of mine, "Lucy", writes for.  She's a domestic violence survivor.

So am I.*

I don't go into it much here.  This is not the place.  But when you're sitting in the middle of the Parents, Children, and Divorce class your state mandates divorcing parents take, reach the section on domestic violence, and realize that every. single. step. on the cycle of abuse excepting only the man beating you senseless is exactly how you've lived the past decade of your life...

... it all kind of clarifies things a bit.  You start to understand why you were always excusing, with "I'm sorry, he's just been so stressed out."  "He's only like that when he's drinking."  "I shouldn't have pushed him like that.  It's my fault really."

It wasn't my fault.  Five years ago, I finally realized that.

There is no specific class of person who is abused.  Domestic abuse and violence crosses all socioeconomic boundaries, all educational lines, and all gender lines.  It is at every level of society, bar none.

Shame is a great silencer.  The silence ends here.

Resource Link:  Our Place

*Please note that I am NOT in any way referring to Brent/ Choreboy.  We only just celebrated our third anniversary, and I cannot believe I am so fortunate as to have finally ended up with such a wonderful man.  I didn't want to put this in here, but I wanted even less for people to think that my husband is in any way being referred to in this entry.


Christine said...

love this....It needs to be talked about. We need to ditch the shame portion of this equation and make the abusers the ones who are ashamed.

Amanda said...

Thanks Christine. And yes, we do need to talk about it. I spent so many years trying to make sure everything looked right, because I was sure that was what I had to do. Besides, marriage is supposed to take work. I'd taken a vow and I was going to honor it, no matter what it took.

It wasn't until I realized the toll it was taking on my children that I started to wake up. Ultimately, I realized that even though I'd more or less signed on for this, the boys hadn't. And they couldn't grow up thinking this type of household was normal.

Folks sometimes ask me why it took me so long to "get it". I mean, ten years! The best analogy I've seen is the boiling water/ frog analogy:

If you try to put a frog into boiling water, it will leap right out. But if you put the frog into a pot of regular water and just slowly turn up the heat, it will be cooked before it knows what's happened. That's what domestic violence and abuse are like.

Abusive spouses don't start out this way. It's always little things that can be explained; everyone has had their less than stellar moments. But over time, the pattern develops and looking back it can be seen for what it was.

Jenn said...

Thank you for this post & breaking the silence.

Norma said...

In the crush of pink cupcakes and pink-labeled soup cans and pink sneakers and boobie-festooned bumper stickers, who knew that there are other issues to be aware of? *snark off*

Amanda, great post (and your friend's link as well -- that incident was beyond awful) and great reminder that domestic abuse/violence of many kinds is much more common than we think.

Leigh C. said...

Thanks for sharing Amanda. I'm so happy that you have Choreboy in your life now. Definitely something that needs to be talked about!

Amanda said...

Thank you so much for commenting Jenn, Norma, and Leigh :)

And yes, I'm so fortunate to have Choreboy. The man seriously rocks!

Diane, Fit to the Finish said...

Thank you for sharing this. Although I don't Think I know anyone who has been through this, I don't really know for sure because so often it has been hidden.

You are a brave woman.