Tuesday, March 27, 2007

An Open Letter to Publix Supermarkets

Dear Publix,

Most of the time I like what you do. I most especially like your deli, where I can purchase a variety of lovely sandwiches either premade or to order. The Boar's Head pesto ham on an onion roll with aged provolone on it, for example, is particularly to die for.

For the last few weeks I have been blissfully enjoying your premade Turkey Italian wrap. This delightful concoction consists of a spinach tortilla wrap stuffed full with various turkey luncheon meats, provolone cheese, tomatoes, onions, banana peppers, and even has dark leafy greens contained therein. It is ingeniously held together with a smear of cream cheese with chives.

This wrap has been the saving grace of my sanity of late. This wrap has taught me that yes, I too, can eat greens on a sandwich-type structure rather than merely in a bowl drowned in dressing. This wrap is a miracle worker.

So today, please imagine my distress when I discovered some "creative" individual had decided to toss BLACK OLIVES into my beloved wrap! Sweet baby Jesus, what sick mind could conceive of such a thing? Olives are food most foul. In fact, I hesitate to label them food due to the complete texture violation they visit on my mouth. They're weirdly firm, yet mushy, and they freaking SQUEAK between my teeth.

Why didn't I just pick them out, you ask? Well, rest assured I gave it a valiant effort. However, the same sadistic bastard who thought black olives were a good idea to spring on an unsuspecting wrap-eating public also seemed to to think that combining sliced olives with MINCED olives was just a dandy addition.

Do you know how hard it is to scrape tiny olive shreds out of baby greens? No? I suggest you try it sometime.

I managed to soldier on and only got one or two foul bits of olive in my mouth, but my wrap-love has been destroyed. Let this be a lesson to you, Publix. Don't screw with the pre-made wraps. Or if one of your foolishly-creative employees (perhaps marketing would be a better position for such a warped individual?) decides to do so, be sure to affix a large neon warning label: TEXTURE VIOLATION! MAY CONTAIN BLACK OLIVES! above the wrap bin.

Disgustedly yours,
Amanda Justice

4 comments:

Babs RN said...

Pick 'em off and send 'em to me. I love black olives.

Amanda said...

It's a deal!

I'm more than happy to donate any olives I unexpectedly receive to more willing parties.

Shudder.

bdubs said...

You are way funny. I'm enjoying mine as I type. Is that Tallulah Gorge?

Amanda said...

bdubs... yes, it is Tallulah Gorge :) Thanks for stopping by!